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This page contains "Clean Christian Jokes". If you'd like to send jokes to be included here please consider the following...
A kindergarten teacher was observing her
classroom of children while they drew.
She would occasionally walk around to see
each child's artwork. As she got
to one little girl who was working diligently,
she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows
what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her
drawing, the little girl replied, "They will
in a minute."
A Sunday School teacher asked her little
children, as they were on the way to church
service, "And why is it necessary to be
quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because
people are sleeping."
****************************************************
A little boy opened the big and old family
Bible with fascination, looking at the old
pages as he turned them. Then something
fell out, and he picked it up and looked at
it closely. It was an old leaf from a
tree that had been pressed in between the
pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called
out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother
asked.
With astonishment in the his voice, he
answered, "It's Adam's Suit!"
**************************************************
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel
mic, and as he preached, he moved briskly
about the platform, jerking the mic cord as
he went. Then he moved to one side, getting
wound up in the cord and nearly tripping
before jerking it again.
After several
circles and jerks, a little girl in the
third pew leaned toward her mother and
whispered,"If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
*************************************************
Six-year old Angie and her four-year old
brother, Joel, were sitting together in
church. Joel giggled, sang and talked
out loud.
Finally, his big sister had
had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out
loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and
said, "See those two men standing by the door?
They're hushers."
**************************************************
My grandson was visiting one day when he
asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and
God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo while I asked,
"No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.
**************************************************
A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her
grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable
about the Bible.
Then one day she floored her grandmother by
asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus?
The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"
*************************************************
A Sunday School class was studying the Ten
Commandments. They were ready to discuss the
last one. The teacher asked if anyone could
tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand,
stood tall and quoted,
"Thou shalt not take the covers off thy
neighbor's wife."
*************************************************
I had been teaching my three-year old
daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer.
For several evenings, at
bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines
from the prayer.
Finally, she decided to
go solo. I listened
with pride as she carefully enunciated each
word, right up to the end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed,
"but deliver us from e-mail. Amen."
*************************************************
One particular four-year old prayed, "And
forgive us
our trash baskets as we forgive those who put
trash in our baskets."
***********************************************
A little boy was overhead praying: "Lord, if
you can't make me a better boy, don't worry
about it.
I'm
having a real good time like I am.
One balmy day in the South Pacific, a navy ship espied smoke
coming from one of three huts on an uncharted island. Upon
arriving at the shore they were met by a shipwreck survivor.
He said, "I'm so glad you're here! I've been alone on this
island for more than five years!"
The captain replied, "If you're all alone on the island why
do I see THREE huts."
The survivor said, "Oh. We'll, I live in one, and go to
church in another."
"What about the THIRD hut?" asked the captain.
"That's where I USED to go to church."
Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a
particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to
take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night
and everything was beautiful.
His grandmother remarked..."doesn't it look like an artist painted this
scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"
Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."
This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say
God did this with his left hand?"
"Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits
on God's right hand!"
YOU MIGHT BE IN A COUNTRY CHURCH IF . . .
1. The doors are never locked.
2. The Call To Worship is "Y'all come on in!"
3. People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.
4. The Preacher says "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering"
- and 5 guys stand up.
5. The restroom is outside.
6. Opening day of deer hunting season is recognized as an official church holiday.
7. A member requests to be buried in his 4-wheel drive truck because "I ain't
never been in a hole it couldn't get me out of".
8. In the annual stewardship drive there is at least one pledge of "2 calves".
9. Never in its entire 100-year history has one of it's pastors had to buy any meat or vegetables.
10. When it rains, everybody's smiling.
A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later...."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later:"Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
The Hikers
One day, Joe, Bob and Dave were hiking in a wilderness area when
they came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the
other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
Joe prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to
cross this river."
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was
able to swim across the river in about two hours, although he almost
drowned a couple of times.
Seeing this, Dave prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the
strength and the tools to cross this river."
Poof! God gave him a
rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after
almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
Bob had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also
prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools, and
the intelligence, to cross this river."
Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked
upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.
From: mlhriley@blueriver.net
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU MAY NOT BE READING YOUR BIBLE ENOUGH:
10) The Preacher announces the sermon is from Galatians ... and you check
the table of contents.
9) You think Abraham, Isaac & Jacob may have had a few hit songs during the 60's.
8) You open to the Gospel of Luke and a WWII Savings Bond falls out.
7) Your favorite Old Testament Patriarch is Hercules.
6) A small family of woodchucks has taken up residence in the Psalms of your Bible.
5) You become frustrated because Charlton Heston isn't listed in either the
Concordance or the Table of Contents.
4) Catching the kids reading the Song of Solomon, you demand: "Who gave you this stuff?"
3) You think the Minor Prophets worked in the quarries.
2) You keep falling for it every time when Pastor tells you to turn to First Condominiums.
And the number one sign you may not be reading your Bible enough:
1) The kids keep asking too many questions about your usual bedtime story:
"Jonah the Shepherd Boy and His Ark of Many Colors."
A church had to hire a new pastor.
Over the protests of one vocal male member a woman was hired as the new senior pastor.
After the new pastor had been there a few weeks, a member of the
congregation offered to take the new pastor fishing.
The vocal objector reluctantly agreed to allow them to use his boat and to go along.
The trio got into the boat and motored out on the lake.
When they got ready to fish, they realized that all their tackle had been left on
the dock. One of the men commented that they would just have
to go back and get it.
The new pastor said that wouldn't be necessary, and she got out of the
boat and started walking across the water toward the dock.
The old grouch said, "See I told you we never should have brought her fishing.
She can't even swim!"
A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold. Passersby pulled him from the wreck and revived him. He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics.
Later, when he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so. He said, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing 'Shell' sign...and somebody was standing in front of the "S"!
There was this $20 dollar bill and a $1 dollar bill on the conveyor belt at the downtown Federal Reserve Building. As they were laying there side by side the $1 dollar bill said to the $20 dollar bill, "Hey mannnnnn, where have you been. I haven't seen you in a long time?" The $20 dollar bill replied, "Man I have been having a ball!! I've been traveling to distant countries, going to the finest restaurants, to the biggest and best casinos, numerous boutiques, the mall uptown, the mall downtown, the mall across town and even a mall that I just newly built. In fact, just this week I've been to Europe, a professional NBA game, Rodeo Drive, the all day retreat spa, the top-notch hair salon and the new casino!! I have done it all!!!"
After describing his great travels, the $20 dollar bill asked the $1dollar bill, "What about you? Where have you been?" The $1 dollar replied, "Well, I've been to the Baptist church, the Methodist church, the Presbyterian church, the Episcopalian church the Church of God in Christ, the Catholic church, the Mormon church, the church of the Latter Day Saints , the A.M.E. church, the Disciple of Christ church, the... "WAIT A MINUTE! WAIT A M I N U T E !!", shouted the $20 dollar bill to the $1 dollar bill. "What's a church??"
After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation.
They are all asked the same question: "When you are in your casket, friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I'd like to hear them say...... LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!"
Dear God,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
Norma
Dear God,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't
You just keep the ones you have now?
Jane
Dear God,
Who draws the lines around the countries?
Nan
Dear God,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?
Neil
Dear God,
Thank you for my baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.
Joyce
Dear God,
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some
things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you
will not hurt him anyway
Your friend (but I am not going to tell you who I am)
Dear God,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can
look it up.
Bruce
Dear God,
If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer
Horton, because I hate her.
Denise
Dear God,
I want to be just like my daddy when I get big, but not with so much
hair all over.
Sam
Dear God,
I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.
Ruth
Dear God,
I think about you sometimes, even when I'm not praying.
Elliott
Dear God,
I bet it is very hard for you to love all the people in the world.
There are only four people in our family and I can never do it.
Nan
Dear God,
Of all the people who worked for you, I like Noah and David the best.
Rob
Dear God,
My brother told me about being born, but it doesn't sound right.
They are just kidding, aren't they?
Marsha
Dear God,
If you watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show you my new shoes.
Mickey
Dear God,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School, we learned
that you did it. So I bet he stole your idea.
Sincerely, Donna
Dear God,
I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well I just want you
to know that I am not just saying this because you are God already.
Charles
Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you
made on Tuesday. That was cool!
Eugene
Dear God,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had
their own rooms. It works with my brother.
Larry
There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday, from the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.
About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come to the confessional, they keep talking about having 'fallen.'"
The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about! Your wife fell three times this week.
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fixed his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, and fixed his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny, may I have the key?"
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst...
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
******************
Chocolate Chip Cookies
As the elderly man lay dying in his bed, death's agony was suddenly pushed aside as he smelled the aroma of his favorite homemade chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with intense concentration, supported himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. In labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing wide-eyed into the kitchen.
There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally HUNDREDS of his favorite chocolate chip cookies!
Was it heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture, one hand on the edge of the table. The aged and withered hand quiveringly made its way to a cookie near the edge of the table; feeling the warm soft dough actually made the pain of his bones subside for a moment. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.
What, then, was this sudden stinging that caused his hand to recoil?
He looked to see his wife, still holding the spatula she had just used to smack his hand.
"Stay out of those!" she said, "they're for the funeral."
A first grader was sitting in class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She
came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building
materials for his home.
She said "...And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said 'Pardon
me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?'
Then the teacher asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" and
my friend's son raised his hand and said "I know! I know!, he said.....
'Holy smokes! A talking pig!'"
*****************
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a
commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
******************
An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class.
"How did that happen?" gasped her mother.
"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."
******************
One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly
notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on
her brunette head. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks,
"Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied,
"Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said,
"So, Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
*****************
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's dead."
*******************
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."
"Yes, sir," the boys said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."
******************
For weeks, a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the
unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said,
"Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
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