This page contains "Clean Christian Jokes". If you'd like to send jokes to be included here please consider the following...
"The Computer is Down"
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asketh the Lord.
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
A child came home from Sunday School and told his mother that he had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly. It took his mother a while before she realized that the hymn was really "Gladly The Cross I'd Bear,"
"Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 BC - "Here, eat this root."
1000 BC - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 AD - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 AD - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 AD - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 AD - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"
The issue of leap year and the weirdness of February is always worth looking at because, coming so infrequently, who can remember the explanation for it from the last time?
The earth revolves around the sun every 365.24 days, not an even 365. That produces an extra day's worth of hours every four years. We could distribute them as a bonus to everyone--a one-day time-out every fourth year in which the clock is stopped and we stay in bed all day. But we don't. Instead we add an extra day onto February.
Why February? It was originally the last month on the Roman calendar and a logical place to stick the extra day. But Julius Caesar changed the first month to January, stranding February and its little peculiarity in the second spot.
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says,
"Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these
cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother
and says,
"Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is
pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been
left alone with a man! Have you, Debbie?"
Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About
five minutes pass and finally the mother says,
"Is there something wrong
out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything
like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men
came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
From: acoop@integrityonline30.com
"Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter, "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready... We can't take you in and we can't send you back...."
Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. What d'ya say?"
Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.
However, two days later, St. Peter got a call.
"Pete, Lu. Hey, you gotta come get these three
clowns.
This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody,
the Graham guy is saving everybody,
and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning."
from Alicia Coop (acoop@integrityonline30.com)
He said,
"This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and
when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make.
She will bear your children and never ask you to get up
in the middle of the night to take care of them.
She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit
she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will never have a headache and will freely give you
love and passion whenever you need it.
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
The rest is history..
submitted by Cheryl D Palmer (hoosierpk@juno.com)
A Minister was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.
The group had surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"
One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."
Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."
Locked Car Door
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.
She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that her the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."
So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"
A Few Words
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
Subject: Three doctors
Three doctors are waiting in line to get into the pearly gates. St. Peter walks out and asks the first one, "What have you done to enter Heaven?" "I am a pediatrician and have brought thousands of the Lord's babies into the world." "Good enough to enter the gates," replied St. Peter and in he goes. The same question is asked of the second doctor. "I am a general practioner and go to Third World countries three times a year to cure the poor." St. Peter is impressed and allows him through the gates. The third doctor steps up in line and knowing the question, blurts out, "I am a director of a HMO."
St. Peter meditates on this for a while and then says, "Fine, you can enter Heaven...but only for 2 days."
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop - Acts 2:38!" (..turn from your sin...) The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an AXE and two 38's!"
One day God was looking down to earth and saw all of the evil that was going on.
He decided to send an angel down to earth to check it out so he called on a female angel and sent her to earth for a time. When she returned she told God, "yes it is bad on earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good."
Well, He thought for a moment and said maybe I had better send down a male angel. To get both points of view. So God called a male angel and sent him to earth for a time. When the male angel returned he went to God and told him yes the earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good.
God said this was not good. He would send a
letter to the 5% that were good and encourage them,
something to help them keep going. Do you know
what that letter said?
Oh, you didn't get one either?!
A little boy, who wanted $100.00 very badly, prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to GOD, U.S.A., they decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy $5.00. Mr. President thought that this would appear to be a lot of money to the little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and immediately sat down to write a thank you note to GOD that read: "Dear God, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, those devil's deducted $95.00.
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...." To which his father replied, "Yes, and they walked every where they went!"
Two Statutes
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them. Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "You want to do it again?" And he replied, "Yes, very much. But this time lets switch positions. This time you hold the pigeon down and I'll poop on its head."
Gates in Hell
Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being
sized up by God...
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not
sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously
helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world
and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something
I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide
where you want to go!"
Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the
difference between the two?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both
places briefly if it will help you make a decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."
Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It was a
beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of
beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and
frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect. Bill
was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told God."If this is Hell, I REALLY
want to see Heaven!"
"Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was a high
place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing.
It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute
and rendered his decision.
"Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God.
"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two
weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he
was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a
wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned
and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.
Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful,
this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened
to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in
the water?"
God said, "That was the screen saver".
A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live.
Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it.
She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding by. She arrives in front of God and complains, "I thought you said I had another 30 years." God replies, "I didn't recognize you"
Dear Cassius:
Are you still working on the Y Zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort it all out at this last minute.
I spoke to Pilate the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in Consultus, but he simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work and as usual charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. Surely we will not have to throw out all our hardware and start again? Macrohard will make yet another fortune out of this I suppose.
The money lenders are paranoid of course! They have been told that all usury rates will invert and they will have to pay their clients to take out loans. It's an ill wind... As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hourglass flowing upwards. We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over. I have also heard that there are plans to stable all horses at midnight at the turn of the year as there are fears that they will stop and try to run backwards, causing immense damage to chariots and possible loss of life. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition.
Anyway, we are still continuing to work on this blasted Y zero K problem. I will stick mail a parchment to you if anything further develops. If you have any ideas please let me know.
Plutonius
A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who had just passed away.
At the end of the Service, the pall-bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually still alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "AND WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!"
Mahatma Gandhi was quite a spiritual person. He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard.
Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he didn't eat much. Over time he became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he wound up with very bad breath. Therefore he came to be known as a.....
"Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis."
Things you never hear in church..............
1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.
2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25
minutes over time.
3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send
to TV evangelists.
5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High
Sunday School class.
6. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor
so he/she can live like we do.
7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
8. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the
Bahamas.
10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our
annual stewardship campaign!
11. I couldn't find space to park outside. Praise God!
Adam & Eve had the perfect marriage.
He didn't have to hear about all the
men she could have married and she didn't have to hear about how well his
mother cooked!
"A Little Mouse At The Pearly Gates"
A little mouse died and went to the Pearly Gates where St. Peter met him and invited to come in, but the mouse told him he wanted to look around first. St Peter said that was okay with him. After looking around the mouse approached St. Peter and told him he would like to stay but it is too big there and he would get tired running around all day. St. Peter thought for awhile and said he had just the thing for him, a pair of roller skates so the mouse decided to stay. Soon a cat died and went to the Pearly Gates where St. Peter met him and invited him in also, the cat wanted to look around too. After spotting the mouse on roller skates the cat said, "Boy oh boy, you have meals on wheels I will stay."
This non-denominational campaign started in September. It was sponsored by an anonymous client. I think some of the messages are quite humorous:
1. Let's Meet At My House Sunday Before the Game - God
2. C'mon Over And Bring The Kids - God
3. What Part of "Thou Shalt Not..." Didn't You Understand? - God
4. We Need To Talk - God
5. Keep Using My Name in Vain And I'll Make Rush Hour Longer! - God
6. Loved The Wedding, Invite Me To The Marriage - God
7. That "Love Thy Neighbour" Thing, I Meant It. - God
8. I Love You...I Love You...I Love You... - God
9. Will The Road You're On Get You To My Place? - God
10. Follow Me. - God
11. Big Bang Theory? You've Got To Be Kidding. - God
12. My Way Is The Highway. - God
13. Need Directions? - God
14. You Think It's Hot Here? - God
15. Tell The Kids I Love Them. - God
16. Need a Marriage Counselor? I'm Available. - God
17. Have You Read My #1 Best Seller? There Will Be A Test! - God
In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"
Subject: An urgent plea for help
With the Christmas season approaching, please look into your Heart to help those in need.
Hundreds of National Basketball Association basketball players in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary level (Atrocious!) And, as if that weren't bad enough, they will be deprived of pay for several weeks--possibly a whole year--as a result of the current lockout situation. But now, you can help!
For only $20,835 a month, about $694.50 a day (that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help a basketball player remain economically viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the problem, as it barely covers the yearly league minimum, ...but it's a start!
Almost $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a basketball player it could mean the difference between a vacation spent golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, seven hundred dollars is nothing more than two months rent or mortgage payments. But to a basketball player, $700 will almost replace his daily salary.
Your commitment of less than $700 a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.
HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?
Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. You'll also get information on how he plans to invest the $5 million lump sum he will receive upon retirement. Plus upon signing up for this program, you will receive a photo of the player (unsigned-for a signed photo, please include an additional $50.00).
Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering.
HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING?
Your basketball player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses.
YES, I WANT TO HELP!
I would like to sponsor a striking NBA basketball player. My preference is checked below:
[ ] Starter
[ ] Reserve
[ ] Star (Higher cost)
[ ] Superstar (Much higher cost)
[ ] Entire team (Please call our 900 number to ask for the
cost of a specific team (Cheerleaders not included).
[ ] I'll sponsor a player most in need. Please select one
for me.
Please charge the account listed below $694.50 per day for a reserve player or starter for the duration of the strike. Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with a team logo and my very own NBA Players Association badge to wear proudly on my lapel.
Your Name:
Telephone Number:
Account Number: Exp.Date:
[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ]
Discover
Signature:
Mail completed form to NBA Players Association or call 1-900-2MUCH now to enroll by phone.
Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the player they have sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not limited to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties.
Keep in mind that the basketball player you have sponsored will be much too busy enjoying his free time, thanks to your generous donations.
Contributions are not tax-deductible.
submitted by
J.D.McGee
jmcgee5@ctllc.com
The millionaire decided to make the most of it by comparing American dollars, French Francs, Japenese Yen, and every kind of currency available in the world to see to it that he fit the most possible into the suitcase. Finally, he decided the best he could do was to exchange his money for gold and place that in the suitcase.
When he died and arrived at Heaven's gate, St. Peter asked him what was in the suitcase. He told St. Peter that down on earth he had been a millionaire and that God had given him permisson to bring some of his fortune with him, as long as he could fit it into one suitcase.
St. Peter told the millionaire this was most unusual and he would have to take a look inside the suitcase before he could determine whether the millionaire could enter the gate with it. The millionaire opened the suitcase and St. Peter said, "Oh, yes. That's just pavement, please come in!"
The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for awhile.
Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so the chauffeur climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel. The Pope proceeds to hop on Route 95 and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. He gets to about 90 miles per hour and, WHAM, there are the blue lights of our friendly State Police in his mirror.
He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. Seeing who it was the trooper says "just a moment please I need to call in."
The trooper radio's in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief
"I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know
what to do."
The chief replies "Who is it, not Ted again ?"
The trooper says,"No, even more important."
The chief replies, "It's the Governor, is it?"
The trooper replies "No, even more important."
"It's isn't the President is it?"
"No, more important", replies the trooper.
"Well WHO the HECK is it!", screams the chief.
"I don't know" says the trooper. "But he's got the Pope as a chauffeur!"
"How many church members does it take to change a light bulb?"
Whaddaya mean CHANGE??? That light bulb was given in memory of my Grandmother! My father installed it with his bare hands! He donated his time AND the use of his ladder to do it, too! My family's been members of this church for four generations! And if you think you're gonna come in here and make a bunch of changes all of a sudden, Pastor, you've got another think coming!
Great Truths from Small Children
No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back.
They always catch the
second person.
Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
School lunches stick to the wall.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.
It's hard to unlearn a bad word.
Ask Why until you understand.
It's easier to see the mistakes on someone else's paper.
A pencil without an eraser may as well just be a pen.
It's only fun to play school when you're the teacher.
Sometimes the best one in the play has the fewest lines.
Twelve is a lot older than eight.
Sometimes your best move is blocked by your own checkers.
Some nights it's not worth fighting over who gets the top bunk.
Don't expect your friends to be as excited about your "100" as
you are.
Don't say that the "Last One is a Rotten Egg" unless you're
absolutely sure there's a slow kid behind you.
If you don't like the birthday girl, don't go to the party.
Crawling still gets you there.
If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
Your room gets smaller as you get bigger.
You can't start over just because you're losing the game
When you're dressed up like a princess, it's easier to act like one.
If a tree had apples last year, don't expect pears this year.
One drop of black paint from the brush clouds the whole cup of
water.
You can't be everyone's best friend.
A snow day is more fun than a vacation day.
All libraries smell the same.
Say grace.
If you want someone to listen to you, whisper it.
Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished studying.
Silence can be an answer.
Ask where things come from.
If you throw a ball at someone, they'll probably throw it back.
Don't nod on the phone.
Supposedly a true story...
Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to
Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer
(JenJohnson@AOL.com). Unfortunately, he forgot his wife's exact e-mail
address and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs.Joan Johnson
(JJohnson@AOL.com) of New Jersey, the wife of a preacher who had just
passed away. The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and
promptly fainted.
When she was finally revived by her daughter, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here."
The Bible According to KIDS
The cute statements below are said to have been written by actual students and are genuine, authentic and not retouched or corrected:
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
A cheerful heart is good medicine... Prov 17:22a (NIV)
Just One Quick Question
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
Someone Call A Priest!
A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. "A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.
"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."
The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice: "Under the B....4, Under the G....51 ."
Heavenly Rates
A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at
the pearly gates.
St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it
into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain
number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."
"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50
years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."
"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"
"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and
supported its ministry with my tithe and service."
"Terrific!" says St. Peter, "that's certainly worth a point."
"One point? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my
city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."
"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.
"TWO POINTS!!" the man cries, "At this rate the only way I get
into heaven is by the grace of God!"
"Come on in!"
It's funny that you should mention that. . . .
Two Jewish gentlemen, long-time friends, happened to meet, and one noticed that the other seemed depressed.
"What's wrong?" he asked
"There's terrible trouble in my family, " the first fellow said. "I sent my son to Israel so that he would come home a better Jew and believe it or not, he came home a Christian."
"It's funny that you should mention that," said the second man. "Exactly the same thing happened to me. I sent my son to Israel so that he'd become a better Jew, and he too, came home a Christian."
They both decided to seek the advice of their rabbi. They went and told their rabbi what had happened in their families.
"It's funny that you should mention that," said the rabbi, "because exactly the same thing happened in our family. I sent my only son to Israel in hope that he would become a better Jew, and, believe it not, he also came home a Christian."
At that, the three men fell to their knees, and with tears streaming down their faces, addressed God the Father Almighty directly. When each of them told the Lord their stories, they heard a voice from heaven reply: "It's funny that you should mention that . . ."
1. Your feet stick to the kitchen floor.....and you don't care.
2. When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone's bleeding.
3. You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.
4. You spend an entire week wearing sweats.
5. Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you.
6. Popsicle become a food staple.
7. Your favorite television show is a cartoon.
8. Peanut butter and jelly is eaten at least in one meal a day.
9. You're willing to kiss your child's boo-boo, regardless of what body part it happens to be on.
10. Your baby's pacifier falls on the floor and you give it back to her after you suck the dirt off of it because your too busy to wash it off.
11. Your kids make jokes about farting, burping, pooping, etc., and you think it's funny.
12. You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!
13. Spit is your number one cleaning agent.
14. You're up each night until 10 PM vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons, folding clothes, putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling, feeding (them, Not you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, rollerblading, basketball, football, catch, bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope, PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and walking the dog. You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet ... you still managed to gain 10 pounds.
15. In your bathroom there is toothpaste on the light fixtures, water all over the floor, a dog drinking out of the toilet and body hair forming a union to protest unsafe working conditions.
16. You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.
17. The closest you get to gourmet cooking is making rice krispie bars.
It seems a cowboy from Colorado skipped church one Sunday to go bear hunting in the mountains. As he turned the corner along the path, he and a bear collided. The cowboy stumbled backwards, slipped off the trail and began tumbling down the mountain with the bear in hot pursuit. Finally the cowboy crashed into a boulder, sending his rifle in one direction and breaking both legs. As the bear closed in, the cowboy cried out in desperation, "Lord, I'm sorry for what I have done. Please forgive me and save me! Lord, please make that bear a Christian." Suddenly, the clouds parted and a beam of light shown down on the bear. The bear skidded to a halt at the cowboy's feet, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and said, "God, bless this food which I am about to receive."
"Barney"
A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the
doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think
I'll find Big Bird in here?" The little girl stayed silent. Next,
the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He
asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?" Again,
the little girl was silent. Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her
chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll
hear Barney in there?" "Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is
in my heart. Barney's on my underpants."
A mother was teaching her 3 year old daughter the Lord's prayer.
For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her mother.
One night she said she was ready to solo.
The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated
each word right up to the end
"Lead us not into temptation" she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail,
Amen".
One Sunday morning the pastor noticed a young man standing and staring at a large plaque hanging in the church foyer; the pastor walked over to the young man and bid him 'good morning'; the young man replied 'good morning, pastor' and not taking his eyes off the plaque asked 'sir, what is this?'; the pastor answered 'these are all the people who have died in the service'; soberly the two stood there before the plaque and after a long silence the young man asked 'which service sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?'.
From: plantings@juno.com (JAMES E. MARKHAM)
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me and ark."
And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an ark. "Okay," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have My ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."
And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no ark.
"Noah," shouted he Lord, "where is My ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah.
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the ark construction project, and Your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
"Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.
"Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going n the boat, and still now owls.
"Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on Your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
"Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire; the IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country; and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of "use tax."
"I really don't think I can finish Your ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean You're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.
"No," said the Lord sadly, "Government already has."
A state trooper sees a vehicle on the interstate doing 33 miles an hour
and pulls the car to make sure everything is all right.
When he approaches the driver he discovers that it is a nun.
"Excuse me, sister. But are you alright ?" He asked.
She replies, "Oh, yes officer. We're just fine. Was I doing something
wrong?"
The officer says, "Well sister, you were traveling way under the speed
limit and I was concerned that you might be having car trouble or
something."
"But officer", the nun interrupts, "I saw a sign there about a mile back
that said 33, and I know I wasn't going any faster than that."
Chuckling, the trooper says, "Sister, that was a state highway route
marker, this is State Route 33, not the speed limit. The speed limit
signs have a MPH at the bottom."
"Oh, now don't I feel foolish!", replied the nun turning red.
"That's ok, but please try to be more careful, I would hate to see you
get hurt", finished the officer. Then as he turns to say good-bye to the
nuns in the back seat, he notices for the first time that they are
trembling violently and quite pale.
"Sister, what is wrong with your
friends? Can I escort you to a hospital ?"
"Oh, no, they're all right. We just turned off of Route 150."
--
Mark Jordan
Sr. I.S. Analyst
City of Newport News
mjordan@ci.newport-news.va.us
http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/7253
What is Easter?
Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..." "Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"
The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?"
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.
"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."
Johnny Jokes
Johnny was coming home from church one Sunday morning with his mother.
His mother noticed he had a serious look on his face.
"What's on your mind, Johnny?" she asked.
"Is it true what the preacher said about us all coming from dust and
turning back to dust?"
" Why , Yes, it is, Johnny," she said. "Why do you ask?"
"Well, when we get home," he answered, "You better look under my bed,
because someone's either comin' or goin!"
............................
Johnny was going off to church one morning with several of his friends.
His mother gave him two nickels, " One for you and one for god," she said.
As Johnny and his friends walked along, He was flipping a nickel up in the
air and catching it, over and over. Finally, one time he missed it and it
rolled down a sewer.
"Oops!" he said. "There goes God's nickel!"
Jack Murphy, Frostproof, Florida and Rome, Maine. jkmurph@gte.net
This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years,
had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last
ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their
mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master
bath suite and Jacuzzi.
As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much
all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course
that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges
everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the
great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".
Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet
lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter
replied with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol
tables?" the old man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like
of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick.
This is Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down
his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.
Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was
wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your
fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been
here ten years ago!"
One day God called Jesus and his helpers into a meeting.
God said that he wanted them to create a data base on heaven’s super computer.
He said He wanted them to list everyone who had ever been born and all the good
and bad things that each had done since the beginning of time.
They all said they could do that and so they sat at their keyboards for hours,
then days and weeks.
Finally they were almost done when there was a power
failure in heaven and the computers all went off. Only seconds later the lights
came back on and all the computers started to re-boot. There was much crying
and gnashing of teeth and pounding of keyboards as this happened. Down at the
end of the table sat Jesus with a big smile on His face.
Why was Jesus smiling amongst all this dismay?
Jesus Saves!
A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg many years ago was stranded
late one night at a fashionable resort - one that did not admit Jews.
The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room.
The hotel is full."
The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that
you have vacancies."
The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly,
"You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other
side of town..."
Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said, "I'll have you know I
converted to your religion."
The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test.
How was Jesus born?"
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a
little town called Bethlehem."
"Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger."
"That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a
manger?"
Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel
wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"
At a church meeting a very wealthy man rose to tell the rest of those present about his Christian faith. "I'm a millionaire," he said, "and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. I remember that turning point in my faith. I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and had to either give it all to God's work or nothing at all. So at that moment I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today."
He finished and there was an awed silence at his testimony as he moved toward his seat. As he sat down a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said to him: "I dare you to do it again."
Penney Rahm
a friend of Jesus
penneyr@prodigy.net
He had a great time as he walked down the golden streets, shaking hands and signing autographs, but along the way He heard the sound of rip, saw, rip, saw, and noticed sawdust coming from a window of a little shop on a side street. He walked down to the shop and went inside. There He found a bearded carpenter working so hard he was sweating, and the drops of perspiration were running down his face, and mixing with the sawdust.
In his rich melodious voice, Jesus said, "Sir, why are you laboring so hard? You should rest and enjoy yourself." The old man said to Jesus, "Oh, no, please let me continue. You see, I had a son on Earth whose birth was a miracle. My son knew I was a carpenter, and my eyesight being what it is, I thought if he heard me working he would 'find' me."
Jesus stared at the man, and his eyes started to mist. The man stared at Jesus, quizzically.
Jesus said, "Father........?"
The old man said,........"Pinocchio?"
Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys.
The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest.
The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.
Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We are in BIIIIG trouble."
The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?"
His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it."
MAY THE FOURTH BE WITH YOU, Melanie
A very religious woman went into the local pet shop to buy a parrot for company. She selected a beautiful bird, but the pet store owner said he didn't think she'd be happy with this particular parrot because he had belonged to a salty old sailor who used very bad language.
She replied that she knew with love and care she could break the bird of his bad habits and have a wonderful companion.
Well, the bird was not to be broken of his blue language and the woman had to hide him in the spare bedroom every time she had visitors. Finally, in desperation she told the bird she was going to put him in the freezer for 10 minutes every time he used bad language. Sure enough in just a couple of minutes the bird let out a string of obcenities. She put him in the freezer with him hollering and yelling his head off. After just a minute or two it got very quiet.....afraid that something bad had happened to the bird, she opened the door.
Out stepped the parrot, shivering and most pleasantly and politely he said "excuse my prior behavior, madam. I regret any dismay I may have caused you and promise never to use improper language again." Well, the woman was thrilled to hear these promises and was about to say so when the bird interrupted to say "by the way, madam, what's the chicken in for?"
copied from our Stories page on 12-28-97
From: MIKE_CHAMBERS@HP-USA-om24.om.hp.com
There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her
business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she
always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped
relax her. One time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull
out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.
After a while he turned to her and asked "You don't really believe all that
stuff in there do you?"
The lady replied "Of course I do it is the Bible."
He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"
She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible."
He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the
whale?"
The lady said "Well I don't really know I guess when I get to heaven I
will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him." Replied the lady.
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